OMG Sam Pink talked to me! and he said I am a good writer! I think I'm going to faint.

Another probably illegal posting of an e-mail convo:

On Wed, Oct 8, 2008 at 3:39 PM, wrote:
>
>> Dear Sam Pink,
>> I'm Malialinda and I just discovered you yesterday, but I'm already a
>> huge fan of yours. I'm the editor for the Berkeley Fiction Review and if I
>> don't get a good submission soon I'm going to light my office on fire
>> and dance like an indian around it saying AHAHAHAHAHAHAH! So you see, I'm really in dire need here, it's a matter of sanity. If you have anything at all you would like to submit to me I would cum on your face. The e-mail is bfictionreview@yahoo.com or you can reply to this e-mail. The website, which I wish I understood HTML so I could fix is www.ocf.berkeley.edu/~bfr. I usually don't do stuff like this, but like I said, I'm in dire need, else I'm going to stalk every one of our contributors and shake them upside down until I can hear their brains rattle and something good falls out on a crumpled napkin from their pocket.
>> ~Malialinda

Sam Pink's REAL words to me!:
> my heavens the prospect of someone cumming on my face is indeed most
> heartening. i would certainly like to give you something. i ask you,
> what do you want. i can give you something from the full length collection
> coming out, something from my first chapbook, YUM YUM I CAN'T WAIT TO DIE, or perhaps something from the collection i am working on now. the difficulty with giving people work is that all the work is different and sometimes people read one thing and have a certain idea. YUM YUM I CAN"T WAIT TO DIE is a long poem. the full length has just about everything and the newest work is a really long poem and a lot of short plays. let me know what you would like. also, if you give me your address i will mail you YUM YUM for free. i just got them printed because the initial press was "totally fucking me over hardcore style" and not sending them out to people who ordered them. so i printed them myself. you may have whatever you want. i am sure i have something for you.
if you read this email and think "what the fuck, this is too much shit,
> all i want is some fucking work" like i did, then i will simply email you a
> bunch of different work and you can pick what you want.

malialinda@berkeley.edu wrote:
Omg, I can't believe you really replied to me, I feel all starstruck. I
think I have an unhealthy obsession with you. Can you mail me YUM YUM and
sign it? that would be so awesome and I would carry it around with me and
show it to random people because I don't have friends and then they will
stare at me and think I'm a nutjob and I will just giggle uncontrollably
like the 20-year-old girl that I am and skip away and then my boyfriend
will get really jealous and hunt you down in his boxers with his shotgun
and a bottle of whiskey and tell you to stop seducing me and then he will
break the bottle and pretend he is going to glass you and maybe you will
be scared because he has that insane look to him, but then I will pop out
of the bushes and start laughing because he will look ridiculous and then
I will tickle him until he gives up the bottle and then we will all get
drunk and our lips will bleed on the broken glass, but it'll be ok cuz
we'll be drunk and the whiskey will taste even better mixed with our blood
and then we will shoot at the sky, or he will read your book and develop a
mancrush on you. Both are equally likely.
And hmmm, maybe something that you are working on now would be tasty. We don't really publish poems so just, yeah, don't make it look like a poem,
but it seems to me like a lot of your stuff crosses the genre between
poetry and prose, which I call prosetry, but that could just be me. Omg,
I'm so excited, I'm going to make yours the first story in the mag. There
are other staff members who have to approve it of course, but since you're
a writing god, I'm sure they will and if they have doubts then I leave
threatening messages written in colorful magnets on their refrigerators.

You're the coolest,
Malialinda

Sam Pink:
*oh no, no need to omg, everything is fine. malialinda, relax, do not omg. your copy of YUM YUM is in the mail tomorrow. i write a note to everyone. i wrote one for you. it is my best yet. i also wrote something nice in the book for you. i like what you wrote in the email to me. there were numerous instances in which i almost began lol-ing uncontrollably. you are a good writer. i hope your boyfriend doesn't attempt to murder me, but i am not afraid if he does. i am a mean dude. also, here is some writing below. i feel concerned with whether or not you will like it. the first thing is from the book that is coming out this winter and it is like "move in with with" it was actually a part of it initially. and the rest are things from a book i am working on now. if they all suck, print them out and be really mean to them. say mean things. i will understand. if you like any of it, you can have it. i am now very worried about your approval. i feel feverish. please validate me malialinda. you have a nice name. "linda" means attractive right? i am upset. **start publishing poetry. don't hate me. ***

(i'm not including his writings. you'll just have to read the Berkeley Fiction Review)

Malialinda@berkeley,edy wrote:
OK, I have been laughing about the “pretend I’m yawning” line now for five
minutes so much that my boyfriend actually got up from his all-important
homework to see what I was doing, but he didn’t laugh. He has no sense of
humor, he thinks I’m insane and really strange and I have this feeling
that you’re probably insane too, because I only like insane people. I wish
you could come over and we could say insane things to eachother all day
and crack up so much that we open new buttcracks and my boyfriend would
just roll his eyes and not understand and be amazed that I found someone
equally insane and then he would go play his alien game on the internet
and think to himself that he’s so mature. And maybe he will wonder how he
ended up with such a nutjob girlfriend.
OMG, I can’t believe I’m getting a hand-written note! I think I am going
to pee my pants! I am hopping up and down with excitement in my pink chair
and covering my face with my yellow-monkeys-dreaming –about-bananas robe
and screaming quietly. My boyfriend is ignoring me.
Is the book titled “Move in With With,” or is that a typo. Your Move In
With Me was the first thing I read of yours and it is what spurred on my
obsession.
Yes, Linda means beautiful and sometimes I like to say to people that my
name is Malialinda, as in beautiful and then they think I'm stuck-up, but
really I think they're just jealous that they didn't think about adding
the word beautiful to their name.

I’m going to send everything to my co-managing editor right now. There’s
this long process that submissions usually have to go to, but I don’t want
to submit your writing to that. I don’t want it to leave my hands. What if
it gets lost? Or what if it touched the other people's submissions? That
would be totally unallowable. Maybe I will conduct a conspiracy to make
sure it gets in, not that it would have a problem. I will wear dark
clothes and have meetings in black shadows and I won’t let my staff
members touch it, they’ll have to read it while I’m holding it.

I especially like the #2 play and I want to write you’re dead on a
lightbulb! That’s a brilliant idea. So while I was reading I was trying
really hard not to laugh, but I couldn’t help it and I’m sure my boyfriend
really wants to kill both of us now.

~Malialinda



good i am now feeling relief. you are a better writer than me. i have the same robe. if i went to berkeley we would hang out and say omg about things. the book that "move in with me" is in, is called I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THE KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT. if you like these things then i am sorry to say, but yes, as you mentioned below, there is something wrong with you. it is best to just let it be, and laugh at stupid shit.
i hope your editors like it. normally when someone asks me for work,it is like, someone who has an online journal called like "booger death journal for depressed people" so i am surprised to see berkeley. is it named after george berkeley? i like george berkeley. i am stupid. please enjoy the chapbook and pee in your pants. my dream is to one day post a video of someone reading the chapbook and then going "omg" then the video cuts to a shot of their pants and they piss all over. that sales technique would work with me. thank you again.

Well, it's actually the Berkeley Fiction Review because its the magazine
that UC Berkeley hosts. But the university is named after George Berkeley,
and I think the name is so boring, I think the reason we don't get cool
submissions is because of our name. If we were named Booger Death Journal
for Depressed People, we would probably get way more exciting submissions.
I will keep you updated as far as what my staff thinks.